167. Unspoken Expectations: Identify and Release Your Client Manuals
What if the stress you’re feeling with clients or your team isn’t actually about what they’re doing, but about what you expect them to do without ever saying it? In this episode, I introduce the concept of manuals, those unwritten operating rules you have for other people, and how they quietly create frustration, miscommunication, and emotional friction in your interior design business.
I walk you through what manuals are, how to spot them, and why they lead to disappointment when they go unspoken. You’ll learn how these hidden expectations show up in your relationships with clients, team members, and partners, and why relying on others to meet them keeps you stuck in frustration. I also share a simple exercise to help you identify your own manuals and begin releasing the ones that are no longer serving you.
This is an opportunity to take back your agency and create more clarity in how you lead and communicate. Instead of hoping others will meet expectations they don’t know exist, you can choose how you show up, what you communicate, and what you’re responsible for. Listen in and start noticing where your manuals are running the show so you can lead your business and relationships with more ease and intention.
If you've been thinking about working with me one-on-one, be sure to get on the private coaching waitlist! Click here to learn more about Design to Thrive and secure your spot to be the first to know when availability opens up.
What You’ll Discover from this Episode:
What “manuals” are and how they show up in your business.
Why unspoken expectations create stress, frustration, and miscommunication.
How manuals impact your relationships with clients, teams, and partners.
The connection between manuals and your emotional experience.
Why expecting others to read your mind leads to disappointment.
A simple exercise to identify your own manuals.
How releasing manuals helps you communicate and lead more effectively.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Hey designer, you're listening to episode 167. In this one, we're going to be talking about manuals. Not those kind that you use for an IKEA bookshelf, but those unwritten operating rules that you have for other people that are causing a lot of unnecessary stress and friction in your day-to-day. These unsaid expectations, and sometimes they're not even acknowledged by ourselves or conscious, they cause so much inner turmoil. And they're also a major roadblock to solving the gap that often exists between what you want other people to do and what they actually do.
So, you can probably see this is so important with your teams, your clients, your project partners, anyone you're interacting with throughout the day as a design business owner. And of course, it'll apply to your personal relationships as well. I'll walk you through this concept of manuals so that you can spot your own and make sure that they're no longer running your business and your emotional life.
Welcome to The Interior Design Business CEO, the only show for designers who are ready to confidently run and grow their businesses without the stress and anxiety. If you're ready to develop a bigger vision for your interior design business, free up your time, and streamline your days for productivity and profit, you're in the right place.
I'm Desi Creswell, an award-winning interior designer and certified life and business coach. I help interior designers just like you stop feeling overwhelmed so they can build profitable businesses they love to run. Are you ready to confidently lead your business, clients, and projects? Let's go.
Hello designer, welcome back to the podcast. Today is the last episode I'm going to be recording before we head out on spring break, so that you get an episode live while I'm away. We're going to be spending two weeks as a family in Italy. I'm really excited. We did two weeks in Spain over spring break last year, and it was a great success, even among some less-than-ideal conditions we ran into during part of the trip.
But we're going to be going all over and checking out a lot of different spots. And it's also been really fun to learn a little bit more of the history, and specifically going back to some of the art history that I remember as a part of my design degree. We checked out some library books about the Renaissance and art during that time period. And it's been actually really energizing to kind of revisit some of that material and know that I'm going to get to experience it firsthand. So that's what's going to be happening for me very soon.
But today, what I want to bring to you is a coaching concept called manuals. You can use what we're talking about today when you're feeling frustrated by your clients, resentful of your team, or like you wish someone would just read your mind. And actually, it's not even that you use the manual. It's releasing the manual. And we'll talk about that too. But I imagine you have been there. You know what I'm talking about, wishing that someone would just do it the way you want it done, right?
And that is actually kind of why we're talking about this today. This came up for me. And it was my husband's birthday. We'd gone out to dinner, and I said to him, "You know, I really wish you would have asked me about this thing." And it's something that I've been sitting on and going, he really should ask me.
And he turned to me, and he goes, "Well, yes, if I'd been acting as the perfect husband, that probably would have been what I would have done." And that's not what happened, of course. He is amazing, but of course, no one's perfect. And I totally had a manual running that he should be keeping track of all the things that I want him to be attuned to. And of course, that is lovely when he's right on it, but also sometimes he misses the mark because he's a person, and I know I do too. And so it's probably not realistic that I was expecting him to read my mind.
And in that moment, I go, "Okay, then yeah, I need to own where I can be more forthright with what I'm thinking and asking for what I want when I want it." And that's a perfect example of a manual. And I realized I have never shared this concept before on the show, and it really can be a game-changer.
So that's what we're going to do today. Also, at the end of this episode, I'm going to be sharing a pretty big announcement. It feels big to me. We'll see what you think too, but it's both very personal and also something that will impact what's happening around here. So definitely listen all the way through so that way you are in the know.
Before we do dive in, I have to take a moment to celebrate with you. We have crossed here on the Interior Design Business CEO podcast, 100,000 downloads. That is a major milestone, and I do not want it to go unmarked. So, I think this is really interesting. My podcast team told me that the majority of podcasts, about 90% of podcasts, do not make it past the first three episodes, which I think is just kind of wild to me, but also probably indicative of people not thinking through what they're committing to.
So the fact that we are here together, almost three and a half years after this show started with 100,000 downloads, that is just really cool. And I want to thank each and every one of you who have supported the show by tuning in, sharing an episode with a friend, or leaving a review.
And if you haven't had the opportunity to share a review, now would be a great time to do that. I really, really do appreciate when you make that effort. And it really does make a difference. So thank you to those who have done that in the past. And if you haven't, that would be a great way to help mark the occasion of this major milestone.
All right. Now, let's get started talking about manuals, what they are, why they're an issue, and what you can do with this concept to improve both the way that your relationships feel and the outcomes that you create for everyone involved, yourself included.
I want to begin with just basically what is a manual, the way that I am teaching it here today, so that we're all on the same page. We want to think of something like an instruction manual. I think we can all picture that, right? You've all encountered an instruction manual in your life. There are lots of words, there's how-tos, there's the steps you take, maybe there's diagrams to illustrate the points made or the things that you need to do and in what order.
Essentially, a manual is a very large book or maybe it's just a sheet of paper that says, "Do this and then you'll have this at the end." It's very cut and dry. There's usually no color. It's just black and white. It's steps one through 10 or whatever it is. And we want manuals to be like that for a piece of furniture. It's helpful to have that manual.
The problem is when we start to use that general idea with other people when they are not stagnant objects that we are assembling, but rather human beings that we are interacting with in the world. And what I see, and of course, like I said, this happens to me too, but I see it so often with the designers that I work with, is that problems arise when they create these operating manuals for the other people in their life or in their business. And often these manuals are unintentional or even at the level of conscious awareness, and yet they are driving the bus.
Today, we're going to be focusing on manuals for the people that you interact with as an interior design business CEO. So your clients, your vendors, your team, your contracts, other project partners. But this concept can definitely be applied to any other relationship, your partner, a friend, your kid, your neighbor, anything goes here.
When we're talking about manuals, we're talking about the way that we would prefer people do things, how they do it, when they do it, the speed at which they do it, and the ways that they should be showing up for us, showing up in different situations, or just plain leaving us alone. So maybe you haven't said, yes, I have a manual for someone, but maybe what you have noticed are thoughts like, "Why can't they just..." or "They should know," or "I wish they..." Those are the signs of a manual.
We end up with these how-tos, which interestingly, may or may not be consistent across relationships based on what we've experienced or what was modeled to us growing up, as in like this is the way people ought to be. They're also created through how we perceive the roles of these people we interact with in other businesses.
So maybe you have firsthand experience of these roles and how someone else does it or the way that their people do it. Or maybe it's just a perception based on what you see in social media. And sometimes it's just a daydreamy, "Oh, this would be the perfect world how-to." And it can show up in lots of different ways. So start to think about what are those relationships where maybe you tend to have the manuals, those unwritten rules and expectations, and also in what way do they show up.
While it's very normal for you to have certain preferences about the way things are done or not done, that doesn't mean that your manuals you have for people are not causing an issue. Now, sometimes they're great and totally fine. You can keep those rules. But if you're noticing a lot of emotional highs and lows or friction or kind of like digging your heels in the sand kind of energy, manuals might be causing a problem for you. And often they are causing a problem because they're running in the background. They are unconsciously causing you to interact with other people in a way that is maybe defensive or a little combative or stubborn.
And what ends up happening when you have manuals for others is that you end up holding other people to very unrealistic expectations or standards that no one is capable of reaching. Or sometimes they are realistic, they are reasonable, but because you haven't communicated them and maybe because you haven't even taken the time to know that is your standard that you want to communicate, nobody else knows about it. And so people just fill in the gap. They do what works for them. They operate the way they're used to operating, and then you're mad about it.
Often, we can be expecting people to read our minds or hoping that they'd read our minds because it's either inconvenient for us to take what's in our mind and put it on paper, communicate it, or it's uncomfortable to state our needs or desires. But reading your mind, not possible. So then, of course, they're going to fall short or do things differently than you were hoping. Then when people do miss the mark, because they inevitably do, even if you think about it, even if you are incredibly explicit about how something should be done or how you want something done, people still mess up.
So think about even if you are doing your best to communicate, things can go wrong. So think about now, right? If you don't even communicate it, if you don't even know it yourself, you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, maybe angry. All of those emotions we'd really not have throughout the day, they drain us and they also end up getting in the way of communicating what you actually want and need because you're too busy feeling ticked off about things.
And here's a really important piece of this as well. When you have manuals for others, you end up delegating your agency and your emotions to another person, to another imperfect human being. That last one, that is why we want people to follow our manuals. If they're not following our manuals and we're upset, we think they're responsible for that. So, of course, then, the natural line of thinking would be if you would just follow this manual, then I'll feel better. And we believe that if they do what we are internally setting the standard of, or expectation, then we can believe certain things about ourselves or feel a certain way. It's just a simple, if you do this, then I can feel this.
You're probably not just going around thinking, "I want them to do this so I can believe this about myself and then I can feel a certain way." It's probably not that concrete and linear in your brain. It is much more entwined, and that's why it can be hard to notice it because these thought patterns really just feel like a natural correlation of if and then.
That's why I want to take this moment to remind you that other people do not create your emotions. You do. I'll clarify that to say, of course, you don't have to allow behavior that goes against your values or your safety, please. That is not what I'm saying.
But what this does mean is that let's say, for example, your toddler is being very pokey and you are supposed to be leaving the house about five minutes ago, but they still will not put on their shoes. And you are getting increasingly mad. You're getting mad, and you're thinking it's because they should be faster than they are. Or maybe you're thinking you should be better at this parenting game because if you actually knew what you were doing, your kid would already have their shoes on.
It's the thoughts, the stories that are running through your head that are causing the emotion of mad or frustrated or agitated, whatever it is. It is not the toddler itself. It is not the little kid on the floor. It's the thoughts you're having about the toddler's behavior.
And it's no different in business. We are always going to be encountering things people do and don't do, things they say and don't say. And then we tell ourselves stories that create an emotional experience. This is why it can be so hard to get out of that trap of trying to use unwritten rules to control other people's behavior, because we're locked into the belief that we need other people to perform a certain way so that we can create or escape certain emotional experiences.
I'm going to give you an example with a client thing that is very common that I hear about. Often, there will be a welcome guide or a contract that states your business hours. Maybe let's say they're 9 to 5. And now you're into the project, and the client has texted you at 8 p.m. several times. When this happens, you get the text, you look at it, you may be start to feel guilty because you're thinking you really should respond. Or maybe it's you are feeling resentful because you're believing they don't respect you.
Now, of course, you would prefer that the client follows the communication guidelines and that you never have to remind them of what those are. But just because they are texting you at 8 p.m., that does not mean you have to hand over your emotional world. And that's exactly what's happening, right? You're saying, "Because you are doing this, now I can't be okay." Right? Which goes directly to the manual, which is you shouldn't be doing that, or you should remember the rules.
And in this case, you know, it's an actual written manual of this is how to behave as a client. But then you have sort of this like background running manual about how they should be using the written manual. And your manual, this one that's running in the background, it gives you this illusion that if they just followed the rules, you could feel happy, you could feel confident, and that your clients would respect you. When probably, they do respect you. They probably respect your time. And they're still texting you at 8 p.m.
When you forget that you're responsible for you, this puts you in a very, very precarious position because then you are dependent on another person's behaviors to create your own emotional well-being and validate you as a design professional. This is why your awareness of what your manuals are and being able to detach from those manuals is so important. You have to know what the manual is and possibly just release some of those expectations. We'll talk about that more. If they're not realistic or something that you actually want to decide is important to you. And also use this awareness to decide, then if there is a gap in behaviors and expectations, what do you do about it?
Maybe with a team member, you have a, what I would think is a very reasonable, uncommunicated or unwritten rule that if they're delayed on completing a task, they should let you know. And when they come to you, it should be with a proposed solution, not just dropping it in your lap for you to fix.
But if you are stuck believing that they should do this in that way without you saying so, what's going to end up happening is instead of being proactive and having a very direct conversation with that employee, you're probably going to sit and stew, and then you're going to probably end up doing it yourself. And you're not going to have the conversation you need to have in order to create the change that you're hoping this unwritten manual will do for you. And it's never going to happen, okay?
Or maybe you have a less reasonable rule that your client should always exclaim how amazing you are and how wonderful it is to work with you every time they see you. Now, this is probably one that's just running in the background. You probably don't have awareness of it until you call it forward. And of course, it would be amazing. It would feel lovely to have someone telling you how wonderful you are all the time. But also, is that really realistic? They're probably bogged down and in the thick of their own life and their own project, the things they have to make decisions on, or maybe they're stressed about something that happened or went wrong, and they're not thinking about that at all. Take the compliment, take the encouragement when you receive it, and remember that validation is your own job.
As I've gone through what a manual is, why it's so tricky, and giving you some examples, hopefully you're starting to become aware of the ways in which these are operating in your business. But I want to give you a way to take this even further. And it's going to be an exercise, and I think it's pretty fun, to gain some awareness of these unwritten rules and really get clear on them so you can bring them to light and decide what you want to do with them. Maybe make them official, you could dismiss them because they're silly, or maybe something in between.
So what I want you to do is I want you to write an instruction manual for someone you interact with in your business. You can do this on paper. If you're at your desk, remember, there's always a transcript for the show on the website under the podcast tab, or you can just listen now and see what comes through as I read the prompts.
First thing is just to decide on a person. It doesn't have to be the right person or the most agitating person ever, but just pick someone. It could be a client, a team member, a contractor. And I'm going to have you write this kind of like a letter, but it's it's really your instruction manual, okay?
So you're going to start out with "Dear," and then the person that you selected, and you're going to follow along and fill in these prompts. “You should... “and then put in what comes to mind. “If you don't... when you do this, I feel this. I really hate that. If you could just... then I could. Please, please, just follow these instructions.” And then sign it your name.
Come on, it's fun. We can start to see the things that we put on there that are a little bit like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I just wrote that. But now you know. And of course, you do not want to give this to your client or whoever you selected, but really use this as a piece of awareness.
Reflect on what did you notice. Maybe it's that you're looking for some validation. Maybe it's that you really are having trouble expressing your needs and desires. Maybe it is that there's something in there that's actually really useful and an expectation that you want to uphold for others. Or maybe you find that this manual is not serving you because of the strain it's causing. And if it's not serving you, you might want to consider letting it go, tearing it up, tiny little pieces, and tossing it away.
And that's what I want to talk about now, is what do you do if you have a manual that is causing a lot of issues? As with anything, the first thing is just to know that it's there. So that's what that exercise was for is to recognize that you have this manual and that it is causing some issue in the business.
The next thing you need to do is take responsibility for the only thing you can control, which is yourself. The way that you respond, how you communicate, what you communicate, what you do or don't do. Those are all things that you get to make decisions about. And you get to decide how you want to show up in the relationship regardless of their behaviors. Again, that doesn't mean you tolerate things you do not want to tolerate, but even then, that is the decision of this is where the line is. This is what I want, and if it's not that, then this.
And you also get to decide what you want to believe about yourself. Ground yourself in your own agency. And then as you move about your day and interact with these people, continue to notice when an unwritten rule shows up and it's the one running the show. Now I'm going to give you one fun twist as we wrap this up.
If you have manuals for other people, you probably believe that they have them for you too. And this can cause a lot of internal pressure and anxiety. So if you want to take this concept even further, then you can ask yourself, what are the rules that I think others have for me? Then once you have that out in the open, you can question the truth of your assumptions, poke some holes in it, see if that's actually true. They're probably not, or at least not as rigid as you're thinking they are. And then you get to decide what you take on as your own of, yeah, I want to rise to that standard, or maybe you decide that rule is not for you.
When you have clarity around these manuals and are really honest with yourself, you get to bring that honesty to your relationships. You're going to feel more connected, and you're going to be more supported. And that comes from really being clear on what it is that's important to you and being able to communicate that when appropriate. This is all going to help you accomplish your goals. You're going to feel fulfilled in the work that you do. And this is a great exit strategy to get off the emotional roller coaster that comes with delegating your emotional state to other people.
I'd really love to hear what came up for you as you listened. So as a reminder, you can always reach me on Instagram. You can send me a message at Desi Creswell or reply to one of my emails.
Before we sign off, I want to share the announcement I promised you at the beginning of the episode. I have had a lot going on behind the scenes, and I'm feeling ready to tell you about it now as we move into April. Behind the scenes, I've been preparing to take a sabbatical, or maybe I'll just call it extended time off. I'm not really sure. I picture something very serious when I say the word sabbatical. So I still haven't found a word that I absolutely love for this. And at the same time, I think that's technically probably what this is.
But that's going to start at the end of April and go into the early fall season. Maybe you're surprised by this news, maybe you're not. Either way, what I really want to communicate right now is, well, just first, to let you know that this change is coming. And two, that this really is a decision that I have so carefully considered. And one that has been very difficult to make because I really do love coaching. I love my clients, they are the best, and I love being here with you. And yet, I also know that this is the right decision for me right now.
With this decision comes change, of course, and one of those changes is that this podcast is going to go on pause. We will have two more episodes released before the end of April. And even though the podcast is on pause, the feed is still going to be live, which means you'll be able to go back through the archives, you can catch up on episodes you missed, and listen to those oldies but goodies with a new perspective because I guarantee you will pick up on something new that you can go off and apply or a new aha because you're now in a place to receive the message and when you listen the first time, it wasn't maybe applicable or you just weren't ready for it.
If you're not subscribed or following the show, make sure you do that now, so that way when the show is back up and running, or if I decide to pop in for a quick message over the summer, you won't miss out on the latest and greatest. The other thing I want to make sure you do is that you subscribe to my email list.
As I've been thinking about what I want this time away to be like for myself, I've also been thinking about how I want this to be experienced on your end. And I knew I wanted to have a way to continue to support you even when I would not be actively working in the business. And that support is going to be coming over email. I'm going to be sharing more about that in a future episode.
The easiest way to stay in touch is to get on the list for Monday Mindset. That's going to get you on the general list, so you don't miss a thing. And all you have to do is go to desicreswell.com/mondaymindset. You can also find the link to sign up for that in my Instagram bio.
In the next episode, I will be sharing more about my decision to take a sabbatical, what I'm going to be up to during that time, how maybe you could take an extended break if you wanted one, and answering any questions you might have. I've already had someone ask, "Aren't you afraid that you're going to ruin your business?" And I've had another person ask, "Are you burned out?" All great questions. Maybe you're wondering them as well, or maybe you have a different question. And I'd love to dive into those next week.
Whether you're actively thinking about a reset for yourself or not, this is going to be such a valuable episode. Not only am I touching on the logistics of how I'm making this happen, but I'm also going to walk you through the internal work that comes with any big change. And as a business owner, change is inevitable, so it's definitely going to apply. And I think a huge piece of this is self-trust and learning to trust when you have that internal knowing of what is next, even when it doesn't necessarily make sense or it feels scary to the logical mind.
If you have any questions for me about the sabbatical, I'd love to hear them and include them in that future episode. So send them over right away. You can send me a message again on Instagram at Desi Creswell or reply to an email if you're already on my list. I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of you and I really hope that you stay in touch. I want you to take the time to join Monday Mindset. That is going to be how we stay connected and I can continue to support you over the summer months. Until we talk again, I'll be wishing you a beautiful couple of weeks.
Thanks for joining me for this week's episode of The Interior Design Business CEO. If you want more tips, tools and strategies visit DesiCreswell.com, where you’ll get immediate access to a variety of free resources to help you take what you learn on the podcast and put it into action. And if you love what you’re hearing, be sure to rate, review, and follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts to ensure you never miss an episode. I’ll talk to you next week.
So, you can probably see this is so important with your teams, your clients, your project partners, anyone you're interacting with throughout the day as a design business owner. And of course, it'll apply to your personal relationships as well. I'll walk you through this concept of manuals so that you can spot your own and make sure that they're no longer running your business and your emotional life.
Welcome to The Interior Design Business CEO, the only show for designers who are ready to confidently run and grow their businesses without the stress and anxiety. If you're ready to develop a bigger vision for your interior design business, free up your time, and streamline your days for productivity and profit, you're in the right place.
I'm Desi Creswell, an award-winning interior designer and certified life and business coach. I help interior designers just like you stop feeling overwhelmed so they can build profitable businesses they love to run. Are you ready to confidently lead your business, clients, and projects? Let's go.
Hello designer, welcome back to the podcast. Today is the last episode I'm going to be recording before we head out on spring break, so that you get an episode live while I'm away. We're going to be spending two weeks as a family in Italy. I'm really excited. We did two weeks in Spain over spring break last year, and it was a great success, even among some less-than-ideal conditions we ran into during part of the trip.
But we're going to be going all over and checking out a lot of different spots. And it's also been really fun to learn a little bit more of the history, and specifically going back to some of the art history that I remember as a part of my design degree. We checked out some library books about the Renaissance and art during that time period. And it's been actually really energizing to kind of revisit some of that material and know that I'm going to get to experience it firsthand. So that's what's going to be happening for me very soon.
But today, what I want to bring to you is a coaching concept called manuals. You can use what we're talking about today when you're feeling frustrated by your clients, resentful of your team, or like you wish someone would just read your mind. And actually, it's not even that you use the manual. It's releasing the manual. And we'll talk about that too. But I imagine you have been there. You know what I'm talking about, wishing that someone would just do it the way you want it done, right?
And that is actually kind of why we're talking about this today. This came up for me. And it was my husband's birthday. We'd gone out to dinner, and I said to him, "You know, I really wish you would have asked me about this thing." And it's something that I've been sitting on and going, he really should ask me.
And he turned to me, and he goes, "Well, yes, if I'd been acting as the perfect husband, that probably would have been what I would have done." And that's not what happened, of course. He is amazing, but of course, no one's perfect. And I totally had a manual running that he should be keeping track of all the things that I want him to be attuned to. And of course, that is lovely when he's right on it, but also sometimes he misses the mark because he's a person, and I know I do too. And so it's probably not realistic that I was expecting him to read my mind.
And in that moment, I go, "Okay, then yeah, I need to own where I can be more forthright with what I'm thinking and asking for what I want when I want it." And that's a perfect example of a manual. And I realized I have never shared this concept before on the show, and it really can be a game-changer.
So that's what we're going to do today. Also, at the end of this episode, I'm going to be sharing a pretty big announcement. It feels big to me. We'll see what you think too, but it's both very personal and also something that will impact what's happening around here. So definitely listen all the way through so that way you are in the know.
Before we do dive in, I have to take a moment to celebrate with you. We have crossed here on the Interior Design Business CEO podcast, 100,000 downloads. That is a major milestone, and I do not want it to go unmarked. So, I think this is really interesting. My podcast team told me that the majority of podcasts, about 90% of podcasts, do not make it past the first three episodes, which I think is just kind of wild to me, but also probably indicative of people not thinking through what they're committing to.
So the fact that we are here together, almost three and a half years after this show started with 100,000 downloads, that is just really cool. And I want to thank each and every one of you who have supported the show by tuning in, sharing an episode with a friend, or leaving a review.
And if you haven't had the opportunity to share a review, now would be a great time to do that. I really, really do appreciate when you make that effort. And it really does make a difference. So thank you to those who have done that in the past. And if you haven't, that would be a great way to help mark the occasion of this major milestone.
All right. Now, let's get started talking about manuals, what they are, why they're an issue, and what you can do with this concept to improve both the way that your relationships feel and the outcomes that you create for everyone involved, yourself included.
I want to begin with just basically what is a manual, the way that I am teaching it here today, so that we're all on the same page. We want to think of something like an instruction manual. I think we can all picture that, right? You've all encountered an instruction manual in your life. There are lots of words, there's how-tos, there's the steps you take, maybe there's diagrams to illustrate the points made or the things that you need to do and in what order.
Essentially, a manual is a very large book or maybe it's just a sheet of paper that says, "Do this and then you'll have this at the end." It's very cut and dry. There's usually no color. It's just black and white. It's steps one through 10 or whatever it is. And we want manuals to be like that for a piece of furniture. It's helpful to have that manual.
The problem is when we start to use that general idea with other people when they are not stagnant objects that we are assembling, but rather human beings that we are interacting with in the world. And what I see, and of course, like I said, this happens to me too, but I see it so often with the designers that I work with, is that problems arise when they create these operating manuals for the other people in their life or in their business. And often these manuals are unintentional or even at the level of conscious awareness, and yet they are driving the bus.
Today, we're going to be focusing on manuals for the people that you interact with as an interior design business CEO. So your clients, your vendors, your team, your contracts, other project partners. But this concept can definitely be applied to any other relationship, your partner, a friend, your kid, your neighbor, anything goes here.
When we're talking about manuals, we're talking about the way that we would prefer people do things, how they do it, when they do it, the speed at which they do it, and the ways that they should be showing up for us, showing up in different situations, or just plain leaving us alone. So maybe you haven't said, yes, I have a manual for someone, but maybe what you have noticed are thoughts like, "Why can't they just..." or "They should know," or "I wish they..." Those are the signs of a manual.
We end up with these how-tos, which interestingly, may or may not be consistent across relationships based on what we've experienced or what was modeled to us growing up, as in like this is the way people ought to be. They're also created through how we perceive the roles of these people we interact with in other businesses.
So maybe you have firsthand experience of these roles and how someone else does it or the way that their people do it. Or maybe it's just a perception based on what you see in social media. And sometimes it's just a daydreamy, "Oh, this would be the perfect world how-to." And it can show up in lots of different ways. So start to think about what are those relationships where maybe you tend to have the manuals, those unwritten rules and expectations, and also in what way do they show up.
While it's very normal for you to have certain preferences about the way things are done or not done, that doesn't mean that your manuals you have for people are not causing an issue. Now, sometimes they're great and totally fine. You can keep those rules. But if you're noticing a lot of emotional highs and lows or friction or kind of like digging your heels in the sand kind of energy, manuals might be causing a problem for you. And often they are causing a problem because they're running in the background. They are unconsciously causing you to interact with other people in a way that is maybe defensive or a little combative or stubborn.
And what ends up happening when you have manuals for others is that you end up holding other people to very unrealistic expectations or standards that no one is capable of reaching. Or sometimes they are realistic, they are reasonable, but because you haven't communicated them and maybe because you haven't even taken the time to know that is your standard that you want to communicate, nobody else knows about it. And so people just fill in the gap. They do what works for them. They operate the way they're used to operating, and then you're mad about it.
Often, we can be expecting people to read our minds or hoping that they'd read our minds because it's either inconvenient for us to take what's in our mind and put it on paper, communicate it, or it's uncomfortable to state our needs or desires. But reading your mind, not possible. So then, of course, they're going to fall short or do things differently than you were hoping. Then when people do miss the mark, because they inevitably do, even if you think about it, even if you are incredibly explicit about how something should be done or how you want something done, people still mess up.
So think about even if you are doing your best to communicate, things can go wrong. So think about now, right? If you don't even communicate it, if you don't even know it yourself, you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, maybe angry. All of those emotions we'd really not have throughout the day, they drain us and they also end up getting in the way of communicating what you actually want and need because you're too busy feeling ticked off about things.
And here's a really important piece of this as well. When you have manuals for others, you end up delegating your agency and your emotions to another person, to another imperfect human being. That last one, that is why we want people to follow our manuals. If they're not following our manuals and we're upset, we think they're responsible for that. So, of course, then, the natural line of thinking would be if you would just follow this manual, then I'll feel better. And we believe that if they do what we are internally setting the standard of, or expectation, then we can believe certain things about ourselves or feel a certain way. It's just a simple, if you do this, then I can feel this.
You're probably not just going around thinking, "I want them to do this so I can believe this about myself and then I can feel a certain way." It's probably not that concrete and linear in your brain. It is much more entwined, and that's why it can be hard to notice it because these thought patterns really just feel like a natural correlation of if and then.
That's why I want to take this moment to remind you that other people do not create your emotions. You do. I'll clarify that to say, of course, you don't have to allow behavior that goes against your values or your safety, please. That is not what I'm saying.
But what this does mean is that let's say, for example, your toddler is being very pokey and you are supposed to be leaving the house about five minutes ago, but they still will not put on their shoes. And you are getting increasingly mad. You're getting mad, and you're thinking it's because they should be faster than they are. Or maybe you're thinking you should be better at this parenting game because if you actually knew what you were doing, your kid would already have their shoes on.
It's the thoughts, the stories that are running through your head that are causing the emotion of mad or frustrated or agitated, whatever it is. It is not the toddler itself. It is not the little kid on the floor. It's the thoughts you're having about the toddler's behavior.
And it's no different in business. We are always going to be encountering things people do and don't do, things they say and don't say. And then we tell ourselves stories that create an emotional experience. This is why it can be so hard to get out of that trap of trying to use unwritten rules to control other people's behavior, because we're locked into the belief that we need other people to perform a certain way so that we can create or escape certain emotional experiences.
I'm going to give you an example with a client thing that is very common that I hear about. Often, there will be a welcome guide or a contract that states your business hours. Maybe let's say they're 9 to 5. And now you're into the project, and the client has texted you at 8 p.m. several times. When this happens, you get the text, you look at it, you may be start to feel guilty because you're thinking you really should respond. Or maybe it's you are feeling resentful because you're believing they don't respect you.
Now, of course, you would prefer that the client follows the communication guidelines and that you never have to remind them of what those are. But just because they are texting you at 8 p.m., that does not mean you have to hand over your emotional world. And that's exactly what's happening, right? You're saying, "Because you are doing this, now I can't be okay." Right? Which goes directly to the manual, which is you shouldn't be doing that, or you should remember the rules.
And in this case, you know, it's an actual written manual of this is how to behave as a client. But then you have sort of this like background running manual about how they should be using the written manual. And your manual, this one that's running in the background, it gives you this illusion that if they just followed the rules, you could feel happy, you could feel confident, and that your clients would respect you. When probably, they do respect you. They probably respect your time. And they're still texting you at 8 p.m.
When you forget that you're responsible for you, this puts you in a very, very precarious position because then you are dependent on another person's behaviors to create your own emotional well-being and validate you as a design professional. This is why your awareness of what your manuals are and being able to detach from those manuals is so important. You have to know what the manual is and possibly just release some of those expectations. We'll talk about that more. If they're not realistic or something that you actually want to decide is important to you. And also use this awareness to decide, then if there is a gap in behaviors and expectations, what do you do about it?
Maybe with a team member, you have a, what I would think is a very reasonable, uncommunicated or unwritten rule that if they're delayed on completing a task, they should let you know. And when they come to you, it should be with a proposed solution, not just dropping it in your lap for you to fix.
But if you are stuck believing that they should do this in that way without you saying so, what's going to end up happening is instead of being proactive and having a very direct conversation with that employee, you're probably going to sit and stew, and then you're going to probably end up doing it yourself. And you're not going to have the conversation you need to have in order to create the change that you're hoping this unwritten manual will do for you. And it's never going to happen, okay?
Or maybe you have a less reasonable rule that your client should always exclaim how amazing you are and how wonderful it is to work with you every time they see you. Now, this is probably one that's just running in the background. You probably don't have awareness of it until you call it forward. And of course, it would be amazing. It would feel lovely to have someone telling you how wonderful you are all the time. But also, is that really realistic? They're probably bogged down and in the thick of their own life and their own project, the things they have to make decisions on, or maybe they're stressed about something that happened or went wrong, and they're not thinking about that at all. Take the compliment, take the encouragement when you receive it, and remember that validation is your own job.
As I've gone through what a manual is, why it's so tricky, and giving you some examples, hopefully you're starting to become aware of the ways in which these are operating in your business. But I want to give you a way to take this even further. And it's going to be an exercise, and I think it's pretty fun, to gain some awareness of these unwritten rules and really get clear on them so you can bring them to light and decide what you want to do with them. Maybe make them official, you could dismiss them because they're silly, or maybe something in between.
So what I want you to do is I want you to write an instruction manual for someone you interact with in your business. You can do this on paper. If you're at your desk, remember, there's always a transcript for the show on the website under the podcast tab, or you can just listen now and see what comes through as I read the prompts.
First thing is just to decide on a person. It doesn't have to be the right person or the most agitating person ever, but just pick someone. It could be a client, a team member, a contractor. And I'm going to have you write this kind of like a letter, but it's it's really your instruction manual, okay?
So you're going to start out with "Dear," and then the person that you selected, and you're going to follow along and fill in these prompts. “You should... “and then put in what comes to mind. “If you don't... when you do this, I feel this. I really hate that. If you could just... then I could. Please, please, just follow these instructions.” And then sign it your name.
Come on, it's fun. We can start to see the things that we put on there that are a little bit like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I just wrote that. But now you know. And of course, you do not want to give this to your client or whoever you selected, but really use this as a piece of awareness.
Reflect on what did you notice. Maybe it's that you're looking for some validation. Maybe it's that you really are having trouble expressing your needs and desires. Maybe it is that there's something in there that's actually really useful and an expectation that you want to uphold for others. Or maybe you find that this manual is not serving you because of the strain it's causing. And if it's not serving you, you might want to consider letting it go, tearing it up, tiny little pieces, and tossing it away.
And that's what I want to talk about now, is what do you do if you have a manual that is causing a lot of issues? As with anything, the first thing is just to know that it's there. So that's what that exercise was for is to recognize that you have this manual and that it is causing some issue in the business.
The next thing you need to do is take responsibility for the only thing you can control, which is yourself. The way that you respond, how you communicate, what you communicate, what you do or don't do. Those are all things that you get to make decisions about. And you get to decide how you want to show up in the relationship regardless of their behaviors. Again, that doesn't mean you tolerate things you do not want to tolerate, but even then, that is the decision of this is where the line is. This is what I want, and if it's not that, then this.
And you also get to decide what you want to believe about yourself. Ground yourself in your own agency. And then as you move about your day and interact with these people, continue to notice when an unwritten rule shows up and it's the one running the show. Now I'm going to give you one fun twist as we wrap this up.
If you have manuals for other people, you probably believe that they have them for you too. And this can cause a lot of internal pressure and anxiety. So if you want to take this concept even further, then you can ask yourself, what are the rules that I think others have for me? Then once you have that out in the open, you can question the truth of your assumptions, poke some holes in it, see if that's actually true. They're probably not, or at least not as rigid as you're thinking they are. And then you get to decide what you take on as your own of, yeah, I want to rise to that standard, or maybe you decide that rule is not for you.
When you have clarity around these manuals and are really honest with yourself, you get to bring that honesty to your relationships. You're going to feel more connected, and you're going to be more supported. And that comes from really being clear on what it is that's important to you and being able to communicate that when appropriate. This is all going to help you accomplish your goals. You're going to feel fulfilled in the work that you do. And this is a great exit strategy to get off the emotional roller coaster that comes with delegating your emotional state to other people.
I'd really love to hear what came up for you as you listened. So as a reminder, you can always reach me on Instagram. You can send me a message at Desi Creswell or reply to one of my emails.
Before we sign off, I want to share the announcement I promised you at the beginning of the episode. I have had a lot going on behind the scenes, and I'm feeling ready to tell you about it now as we move into April. Behind the scenes, I've been preparing to take a sabbatical, or maybe I'll just call it extended time off. I'm not really sure. I picture something very serious when I say the word sabbatical. So I still haven't found a word that I absolutely love for this. And at the same time, I think that's technically probably what this is.
But that's going to start at the end of April and go into the early fall season. Maybe you're surprised by this news, maybe you're not. Either way, what I really want to communicate right now is, well, just first, to let you know that this change is coming. And two, that this really is a decision that I have so carefully considered. And one that has been very difficult to make because I really do love coaching. I love my clients, they are the best, and I love being here with you. And yet, I also know that this is the right decision for me right now.
With this decision comes change, of course, and one of those changes is that this podcast is going to go on pause. We will have two more episodes released before the end of April. And even though the podcast is on pause, the feed is still going to be live, which means you'll be able to go back through the archives, you can catch up on episodes you missed, and listen to those oldies but goodies with a new perspective because I guarantee you will pick up on something new that you can go off and apply or a new aha because you're now in a place to receive the message and when you listen the first time, it wasn't maybe applicable or you just weren't ready for it.
If you're not subscribed or following the show, make sure you do that now, so that way when the show is back up and running, or if I decide to pop in for a quick message over the summer, you won't miss out on the latest and greatest. The other thing I want to make sure you do is that you subscribe to my email list.
As I've been thinking about what I want this time away to be like for myself, I've also been thinking about how I want this to be experienced on your end. And I knew I wanted to have a way to continue to support you even when I would not be actively working in the business. And that support is going to be coming over email. I'm going to be sharing more about that in a future episode.
The easiest way to stay in touch is to get on the list for Monday Mindset. That's going to get you on the general list, so you don't miss a thing. And all you have to do is go to desicreswell.com/mondaymindset. You can also find the link to sign up for that in my Instagram bio.
In the next episode, I will be sharing more about my decision to take a sabbatical, what I'm going to be up to during that time, how maybe you could take an extended break if you wanted one, and answering any questions you might have. I've already had someone ask, "Aren't you afraid that you're going to ruin your business?" And I've had another person ask, "Are you burned out?" All great questions. Maybe you're wondering them as well, or maybe you have a different question. And I'd love to dive into those next week.
Whether you're actively thinking about a reset for yourself or not, this is going to be such a valuable episode. Not only am I touching on the logistics of how I'm making this happen, but I'm also going to walk you through the internal work that comes with any big change. And as a business owner, change is inevitable, so it's definitely going to apply. And I think a huge piece of this is self-trust and learning to trust when you have that internal knowing of what is next, even when it doesn't necessarily make sense or it feels scary to the logical mind.
If you have any questions for me about the sabbatical, I'd love to hear them and include them in that future episode. So send them over right away. You can send me a message again on Instagram at Desi Creswell or reply to an email if you're already on my list. I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of you and I really hope that you stay in touch. I want you to take the time to join Monday Mindset. That is going to be how we stay connected and I can continue to support you over the summer months. Until we talk again, I'll be wishing you a beautiful couple of weeks.
Thanks for joining me for this week's episode of The Interior Design Business CEO. If you want more tips, tools and strategies visit DesiCreswell.com, where you’ll get immediate access to a variety of free resources to help you take what you learn on the podcast and put it into action. And if you love what you’re hearing, be sure to rate, review, and follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts to ensure you never miss an episode. I’ll talk to you next week.
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