133. Confrontation or Communication? Navigating Difficult Conversations
Do you struggle to have difficult conversations with clients, contractors, or team members? I've been coaching on this topic a lot lately, and it's clear that many designers find themselves in situations where they need to say something important, but worry about coming across as rude or confrontational.
In this episode, I dive into why these conversations feel so challenging and how to navigate them with confidence. Whether you're dealing with a client who won't make decisions, a builder operating outside your process, or an employee whose work arrangement needs adjustment, the principles are the same. The key is understanding that being direct and clear doesn't have to conflict with being professional and kind.
I share specific strategies to help you communicate more effectively, including how to identify what's really holding you back, ways to shift your mindset, and practical approaches to these conversations. By learning to say what needs to be said with clarity and confidence, you'll not only improve your business relationships but also feel less frustrated and resentful. This isn't about following a script—it's about developing a communication style that honors both your needs and the relationship.
If you've been thinking about working with me one-on-one, be sure to get on the private coaching waitlist! Click here to learn more about Design to Thrive and secure your spot to be the first to know when availability opens up.
What You’ll Discover from this Episode:
How to identify the internal conflicts that make direct communication feel uncomfortable.
The power of clarifying your intent before difficult conversations.
Why being clear and direct is actually respectful and kind, not rude or confrontational.
How to use the "same team" mindset to transform confrontational situations into collaborative ones.
Techniques to practice and improve your communication skills when you feel stuck.
How to balance professionalism with authenticity when having necessary conversations.
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Full Episode Transcript:
Hey designer, you're listening to episode 133. In today's episode, we're going to dive into a topic I've been coaching on a lot recently. And this is how do you say what needs to be said? This could be a difficult conversation, maybe you're not seeing eye to eye with someone else, or things just aren't working and you need to course correct before you start feeling resentful. This is much more than a script for what you need to say. It's going to give you an understanding of why communicating in these circumstances can feel so challenging and give you direction on how to more easily engage and navigate these relational conversations with more direct and confident communication.
Welcome to The Interior Design Business CEO, the only show for designers who are ready to confidently run and grow their businesses without the stress and anxiety. If you're ready to develop a bigger vision for your interior design business, free up your time, and streamline your days for productivity and profit, you're in the right place.
I'm Desi Creswell, an award-winning interior designer and certified life and business coach. I help interior designers just like you stop feeling overwhelmed so they can build profitable businesses they love to run. Are you ready to confidently lead your business, clients, and projects? Let's go.
Hello designer, welcome back to the podcast. So glad to have you here, and actually I'm really excited about today's topic. It is inspired by a lot of conversations I've been having. I actually had the opportunity to work with one of the larger residential firms in town recently. It was a two-part thing that their studio manager had asked me to come in for. And it was a really fun experience, and as a side note, if you're a business owner who has a team and would be interested in me speaking with or coaching your employees, that is something we could always explore. You can email me or send me an Instagram message.
But anyways, I was in their studio a couple days ago, coaching the team. And what we're going to talk about came up. And that is, how do you say what needs to be said? How do you have that difficult conversation?
As I was out on a walk and reflecting on the time that I'd had with those designers, I realized I'd been coaching on this a lot lately. When I was with that group of designers, one designer had a client that was just not making decisions, dragging out the timeline, and she really was coming to the conclusion that the best thing was to part ways with this particular client.
Another designer was having an issue with a client constantly asking for pricing on variations of their new build, which was costing the designer so much time and mental overhead to manage these conversations with the builder and put together that information. And she knew all of these requests could not be accommodated within the budget. So it wasn't even just this is taking up time, this is taking up time, and it's not going to go anywhere.
So as I was walking, I was reflecting on, gosh, this is really a theme here that's happening. How do you have these conversations without feeling shaky about it or being worried that you're being rude or confrontational? I'll give you some other examples so you can wrap your head around what this could look like for you. So another client of mine, she has a builder who is really operating outside of their process, and it's causing all sorts of issues with project changes and the client and communication in that relationship. And so there needs to be a conversation to reset expectations about how things are done. Another client of mine needed to be really direct and clear with an out-of-town project about when and how she communicates outside of business hours.
For another designer I work with, she was realizing that a current work-from-home setup that she has with one of her employees needs to be modified to accommodate a better workflow in the studio. I mean, I could go on and on. This is just so prevalent, and I'm sure you can see in what I'm saying and I'm sure you're aware of it from your own experience running your design practice, is that so much of what you do as a designer is communication, collaboration, and customer service. And that requires you to really be clear on what you're saying, what you want, and what you want to happen.
Having these types of conversations requires you to know how to clearly and confidently say what you need to say and make requests of others that prioritizes your needs and preferences without hoping that they guess what you want or read your mind. You need to be direct so that you're leading the conversation with clarity and not beating around the bush because that's not going to get you anywhere. And I guess the place that it does get you is ending up feeling very frustrated, often resentful, and annoyed at the people around you.
And the thing is, you do probably know what you want to say, but you're worried about how it's going to come across. And you want to be professional, you want to be respectful, you want to be kind. What I want you to know throughout this episode is that is completely possible and it's achievable to change the way that you interact with others in your communication style to be more effective and feel really good about it.
When we're looking at this topic from a coaching perspective, where a huge bump up starts to happen is this internal conflict between clarity, directness and saying what's on your mind, and this desire to please the other person or not have them be upset or have them have a perception of you that you would like to avoid. What this brings up really is the idea that being clear in your communication and being direct is in conflict with how you want to be as a business owner, and it doesn't have to be one or the other. There is lots of in-between here and we're going to talk about how you can arrive at that.
The major issue here that we have to address is that for many of the designers I work with, the designers I was mentioning examples from earlier, and probably you, for them, being direct and straightforward in your communication makes you uncomfortable, and so you shy away from it. The other thing that's often going on here is that you might be trying your best to have these open, honest, forthright conversations and it doesn't seem to be working for you very well, meaning you might be feeling you just keep repeating yourself, your point's not getting across, you say something but nothing changes. So those are the two angles we want to explore, and we'll talk about both of them.
Let's start with this first issue: Being direct and clear in your communication makes you uncomfortable. What we want to remember here is that we as humans, the way we are wired in our brains, we have a natural tendency to move away from the more negative range of emotions, and we're always wanting to move toward a more positive feeling state. So if the thought of saying what's really going on for you, what's really on your mind, feels uncomfortable, maybe it brings up feelings of vulnerability or self-doubt, your default is to avoid anything that's going to put you in that situation. So that's the first piece of awareness.
And then the second piece of awareness we have to develop is to understand why this feels uncomfortable. Not just, oh, I have this feeling of discomfort, but what is underneath the feeling? With the example of the designer I was working with who really needed to put a stop to this constant pricing exercise, we had to drop into curiosity. And what we found was that for this designer specifically, she was associating being direct with being rude. And if she was rude, she would feel embarrassed. So of course, it makes sense that she was struggling to have this honest conversation. No one likes to feel embarrassed and being rude, how she was perceiving that, goes against a value she had about how she wanted to act as a person.
All of this makes complete sense. We don't want to feel uncomfortable and we don't want to go against how we want to show up in the world, how we value being as a person. So with that greater understanding, now we have clarity about what's really going on that's going to help us decide how to move forward. As you're listening to this episode, I want you to think about what is it for you? When you think about being clear, honest, and direct, what comes up for you? What feelings do you associate with this style of communication?
How do you even define being direct? What does it mean to be direct or to be assertive, or straightforward? Maybe that definition is, if I'm straightforward, I'm being confrontational, or I'm being unprofessional. And if you're thinking that current definition that you have, then what does that mean about you, or what do you worry will happen? Likely, it's going to be a negative association. If you're thinking I'm confrontational when I'm direct, right? You're probably worried, oh, the client's going to be really upset, or the client's going to tell everyone about how mean I am, or it could be all sorts of things.
So we have to start to challenge these assumptions and associations. Just because your brain offers up being direct equals being rude or some variation of that, it doesn't necessarily mean that's true. And you can, of course, decide what your truth is. But I want you to consider, what if direct is clear and kind? What if the rude thing is to not be clear in your communication? What if stating the truth of the matter is actually a form of respect for you and the other person? There are always other perspectives to be explored. And typically, when we're in this internal conflict, the other perspectives are going to be more useful.
Once you have the greater awareness about what's really going on for you, what's below the surface bubbling, then we can begin to shift your mindset so that instead of shrinking away from what could be a difficult conversation, you can feel more confident and grounded in sharing your message or your request. And this awareness, do not skip this step, because this is the difference between mindset coaching, which is what I work on with my clients and teach you here on the podcast, and just plain old positive thinking.
Because you could say to yourself, “I'm going to say what's on my mind. I can do it.” But if you're having this internal conflict that's running in the background, it's going to be all willpower and force and you're probably going to end up really coming across in a way that you don't actually want to come across from that forcing energy versus understanding what's the underlying root issue going on for you, having compassion for that, understanding yourself, and then making the shift.
Now I want to share some ways that you can really build yourself up in terms of your internal resources and begin to empower yourself in these types of difficult conversations. The first one is fun. I love this one. It's to go to extremes with what you want to say or what you want to ask of the other person.
When I was coaching this designer that I was working with the pricing exercises, I said to her, “Just tell me, what would you say if you were the most direct you could absolutely be?” And she thought about it for a minute. She thought, “Well, I'd tell her, ‘too bad. You can't have that.’” Okay. So we could laugh about it. She would never say that. She'd never say it that way. And seeing that extreme helped her open up to some middle ground. It's a middle ground of communication style that she could be comfortable with.
So for you, there's probably that loud, disruptive, I picture a toddler stamping their feet on the ground, piece of you. So just let it out and then allow yourself to see the contrast of not saying anything at all or quietly hoping someone's going to pick up on what you want, and then go to the opposite end and be as rude as you could possibly think about, and then go, all right, so I'm probably not going to do either of these. Neither of these would be super helpful right now. What is the middle ground?
Another thing you can do in navigating these conversations is to lead with the belief that you and whoever you're communicating with are on the same side. This is a belief I suggest you adopt: that we are on the same team. That's the belief, and then bring that to the conversations that you have. And if you really believe that you are not on the same team with a client, a contractor, an employee, a vendor, whoever it is, you probably shouldn't be working with those people, and that's another conversation. With this approach, what you're doing is you're reminding yourself that saying what needs to be said isn't a way to win or lose. It's to help align the group or the individuals towards the best possible outcome, where everyone's desires matter.
And when we believe we're on the same team, we can just soften, and we don't have to get stuck believing that being direct is confrontational. Especially when you live in Minnesota, where passive-aggressive is rebranded as Minnesota Nice sometimes, right? I'm guessing there's others of you who live in areas where sometimes that's the case as well. But that's a side note. So what I like to do is I even picture myself and the other person sitting next to each other versus across from each other at the table, which feels much more like a duel versus a collaborative effort.
So, to carry on with this coaching example, the designer who had the client who was asking for a lot of different pricing, they both want the same thing, which is to have the client move into a beautiful home and to best utilize the resources available. This leads to another approach, and that is to clarify your intent behind the conversation or what you want to say. Know why you're saying what you want to say and understand the outcome you want to help create through that interaction. I know you're not mean, right? You likely have a good, clean reason why this conversation needs to happen. Maybe it's that you want to nip the issue in the bud so it doesn't get bigger. Maybe it's that you value the employee you're talking to and want to see them continue to succeed in the company. Or maybe it's that the project is going to get delayed, and you know the client wants to move in.
Going back to our example coaching, the designer was mistakenly believing that the intent behind her communication was something like shutting the client down and not letting her have what she wanted. And then when she reeled it back, she could look at the intent is actually one that I want to have. The intent is to have this client move forward and make decisions. She wanted to be supportive of the client. She wasn't trying to put her down.
And lastly, that brings me to use powerful questions to get your brain on board with why being direct is the best thing for everyone. If your mindset is such that it tends to default to this is me having a confrontation, it's somebody has to win or lose, right? This is a great thing to do. You can ask yourself, “How is me being direct or having this conversation going to be in service of the relationship and outcomes we are trying to create?” Often, when we express ourselves in a straightforward manner, stating what needs to happen for us, what we want to have happen, we can forget that it's usually not as inconvenient or detrimental to the other person as our brain likes to present.
With the designer I was coaching, the resetting of expectations about how the pricing would move forward was absolutely in service of everyone and everything. All of the, well, what about this? And what about that? What would that be? That was all causing major delays. It was costing not just the designer a lot of time, but it was costing the client a lot of time. It was delaying the client getting into the home. Not only was it costing the designer a lot of time, it was costing the client a lot of time, and it was causing confusion and overwhelm about all of these options.
What this client really wanted and needed was to prioritize the different elements of this build project and make decisions so that they could all move on and eventually get her in her home. And that's exactly what she hired the designer to do. So in this case, by being clear and direct, the designer gets what she wants, to move on, to get into the details, get to feel excited about the project again instead of drained. And then the client also gets what they want. They have clarity about the direction of their new build and also get back into the excitement phase around the vision and what they're going to be moving into once this home is built for them. It's absolutely the best thing here to say what needs to be said.
Now, with all of this, I think it's really important for me to remind you, it is not your job to manage other people's emotional states. It is your job to act in integrity with how you choose to run your firm and how you want to show up in relationships, according to your values and the direction that you want to take your business and the way that you want to serve clients. Even if you have really good intentions, even if you can see how what you're sharing is best for everyone, that doesn't mean that no one will ever be upset with you or dislike what you've said.
There will be times when you share something, and the other person is disappointed, mad, maybe they become defensive. Insert whatever you don't want to have happen. And of course, that is not what you want. And at the same time, when you accept that you can never really prevent this, you can release that internal tension and then ground yourself back in that pure intent and who you want to be in the relationship.
And as a side note about intent, when clarifying the intent, you might actually realize, oh, I don't like the energy behind this. That would be a sign to clear up your side of the street before bringing whatever you have to share to the other person. But if you feel good about what you're doing, why you're saying it, and how you're going to bring it to whoever's impacted, you always can come back to that, right? Because we can't control how others respond to us.
So then, when we are acting in alignment with our own values and who we want to be as people, it just becomes a lot easier to hold strong and steady when someone else is having an emotional response. It will still probably feel uncomfortable. No one wants to have negative feedback to them or have someone be upset. And we can't spend our entire lives trying to shrink and avoid because that causes a whole other set of issues.
If you want additional support with that topic, definitely check out episode 6. It's called Getting Comfortable with Discomfort.
As we wrap up, I just want to circle back to the other issue that I mentioned at the top of the episode. And that is you think you're communicating what you want in a really direct way, and you're definitely not. Maybe you've gotten feedback that you need to be more clear. Maybe you hear yourself thinking, oh, I just wish they would know what to do. Or you're having a lot of conversations, but then nothing ever really happens or changes. What you need to do is to first go back to awareness, understand what's happening, why it's happening, what's holding you back, and why there is that disconnect between you feeling like you're clearly communicating and also not having the results of clear communication on the other side. So understanding that is the first piece.
Then I suggest you practice communicating. You can sit at your desk and verbally practice with yourself. You could practice in your head, visualization is a really helpful tool. You could write down what you're going to say, or maybe review what you did say. So what I want you to do though, is to get the words out in some way. And then I want you to reflect on the words and ask yourself if I didn't have all of the context and all of the hopes and wishes in my head about how this would go, would I call this direct, clear, open, honest, authentic? Or does this feel like a side-stepping conversation to me?
And I want you to be really honest with yourself. How would you receive it? How would you understand the message that you're hoping to convey? If it's feeling fuzzy to you, then how could you just bump up that communication even just a little bit to be more clear? And of course, coaching is a really incredible, safe space to practice expressing yourself, saying what you want, what you need, and having someone who will hold space for you without judgment or fear of their response.
This is just one of the many things that I do with my clients in a private coaching partnership. If you're interested in working together one-on-one in the coming year, definitely go over to desicreswell.com/coaching, and you can check out what we do in Design to Thrive private coaching partnerships and add your name to the wait list. I know that when you're in the pattern of communicating in certain ways, it can be challenging, it can be uncomfortable to shift how you present yourself and how you have these conversations. And I also promise you that when you begin to play with these practices and stretch your comfort zone with direct communication, you will see a major shift in how you feel in these conversations and also in how effective you can be in leading your projects, managing employees, and all of the other relationships you engage in as an interior design business owner. And also, of course, you get the added bonus of this impacting every other relationship that you have in your personal life.
Hear me when I say this. Being direct is not confrontational. Being clear is not rude. You can be considerate, professional, and kind, and say what needs to be said. It really is better for everyone, and I hope that you trust in the process enough to see it work for you. I know we've covered a lot here. This is a good one to go back through and listen again. And also, if this topic resonated with you, episode 25 is labeled People Pleasing or Customer Service. I talk about what the difference is, would be another one to go back and listen to either for the first time or again.
I'd love to hear what you thought of this episode and how you're going to put these tips into practices. Feel free to send me a message or leave a rating and review. That is a double whammy because I get to hear what you thought of this episode, and you get to help support the podcast in its growth. I'll be back next Wednesday with a brand new episode on overfunctioning and burnout. Before you turn off this episode, make sure you hit the subscribe or follow button so that you don't miss that episode and all the future ones to come. And until we talk again next Wednesday, I wish you a beautiful week.
Thanks for joining me for this week's episode of The Interior Design Business CEO. If you want more tips, tools and strategies visit DesiCreswell.com, where you’ll get immediate access to a variety of free resources to help you take what you learn on the podcast and put it into action. And if you love what you’re hearing, be sure to rate, review, and follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts to ensure you never miss an episode. I’ll talk to you next week.
Welcome to The Interior Design Business CEO, the only show for designers who are ready to confidently run and grow their businesses without the stress and anxiety. If you're ready to develop a bigger vision for your interior design business, free up your time, and streamline your days for productivity and profit, you're in the right place.
I'm Desi Creswell, an award-winning interior designer and certified life and business coach. I help interior designers just like you stop feeling overwhelmed so they can build profitable businesses they love to run. Are you ready to confidently lead your business, clients, and projects? Let's go.
Hello designer, welcome back to the podcast. So glad to have you here, and actually I'm really excited about today's topic. It is inspired by a lot of conversations I've been having. I actually had the opportunity to work with one of the larger residential firms in town recently. It was a two-part thing that their studio manager had asked me to come in for. And it was a really fun experience, and as a side note, if you're a business owner who has a team and would be interested in me speaking with or coaching your employees, that is something we could always explore. You can email me or send me an Instagram message.
But anyways, I was in their studio a couple days ago, coaching the team. And what we're going to talk about came up. And that is, how do you say what needs to be said? How do you have that difficult conversation?
As I was out on a walk and reflecting on the time that I'd had with those designers, I realized I'd been coaching on this a lot lately. When I was with that group of designers, one designer had a client that was just not making decisions, dragging out the timeline, and she really was coming to the conclusion that the best thing was to part ways with this particular client.
Another designer was having an issue with a client constantly asking for pricing on variations of their new build, which was costing the designer so much time and mental overhead to manage these conversations with the builder and put together that information. And she knew all of these requests could not be accommodated within the budget. So it wasn't even just this is taking up time, this is taking up time, and it's not going to go anywhere.
So as I was walking, I was reflecting on, gosh, this is really a theme here that's happening. How do you have these conversations without feeling shaky about it or being worried that you're being rude or confrontational? I'll give you some other examples so you can wrap your head around what this could look like for you. So another client of mine, she has a builder who is really operating outside of their process, and it's causing all sorts of issues with project changes and the client and communication in that relationship. And so there needs to be a conversation to reset expectations about how things are done. Another client of mine needed to be really direct and clear with an out-of-town project about when and how she communicates outside of business hours.
For another designer I work with, she was realizing that a current work-from-home setup that she has with one of her employees needs to be modified to accommodate a better workflow in the studio. I mean, I could go on and on. This is just so prevalent, and I'm sure you can see in what I'm saying and I'm sure you're aware of it from your own experience running your design practice, is that so much of what you do as a designer is communication, collaboration, and customer service. And that requires you to really be clear on what you're saying, what you want, and what you want to happen.
Having these types of conversations requires you to know how to clearly and confidently say what you need to say and make requests of others that prioritizes your needs and preferences without hoping that they guess what you want or read your mind. You need to be direct so that you're leading the conversation with clarity and not beating around the bush because that's not going to get you anywhere. And I guess the place that it does get you is ending up feeling very frustrated, often resentful, and annoyed at the people around you.
And the thing is, you do probably know what you want to say, but you're worried about how it's going to come across. And you want to be professional, you want to be respectful, you want to be kind. What I want you to know throughout this episode is that is completely possible and it's achievable to change the way that you interact with others in your communication style to be more effective and feel really good about it.
When we're looking at this topic from a coaching perspective, where a huge bump up starts to happen is this internal conflict between clarity, directness and saying what's on your mind, and this desire to please the other person or not have them be upset or have them have a perception of you that you would like to avoid. What this brings up really is the idea that being clear in your communication and being direct is in conflict with how you want to be as a business owner, and it doesn't have to be one or the other. There is lots of in-between here and we're going to talk about how you can arrive at that.
The major issue here that we have to address is that for many of the designers I work with, the designers I was mentioning examples from earlier, and probably you, for them, being direct and straightforward in your communication makes you uncomfortable, and so you shy away from it. The other thing that's often going on here is that you might be trying your best to have these open, honest, forthright conversations and it doesn't seem to be working for you very well, meaning you might be feeling you just keep repeating yourself, your point's not getting across, you say something but nothing changes. So those are the two angles we want to explore, and we'll talk about both of them.
Let's start with this first issue: Being direct and clear in your communication makes you uncomfortable. What we want to remember here is that we as humans, the way we are wired in our brains, we have a natural tendency to move away from the more negative range of emotions, and we're always wanting to move toward a more positive feeling state. So if the thought of saying what's really going on for you, what's really on your mind, feels uncomfortable, maybe it brings up feelings of vulnerability or self-doubt, your default is to avoid anything that's going to put you in that situation. So that's the first piece of awareness.
And then the second piece of awareness we have to develop is to understand why this feels uncomfortable. Not just, oh, I have this feeling of discomfort, but what is underneath the feeling? With the example of the designer I was working with who really needed to put a stop to this constant pricing exercise, we had to drop into curiosity. And what we found was that for this designer specifically, she was associating being direct with being rude. And if she was rude, she would feel embarrassed. So of course, it makes sense that she was struggling to have this honest conversation. No one likes to feel embarrassed and being rude, how she was perceiving that, goes against a value she had about how she wanted to act as a person.
All of this makes complete sense. We don't want to feel uncomfortable and we don't want to go against how we want to show up in the world, how we value being as a person. So with that greater understanding, now we have clarity about what's really going on that's going to help us decide how to move forward. As you're listening to this episode, I want you to think about what is it for you? When you think about being clear, honest, and direct, what comes up for you? What feelings do you associate with this style of communication?
How do you even define being direct? What does it mean to be direct or to be assertive, or straightforward? Maybe that definition is, if I'm straightforward, I'm being confrontational, or I'm being unprofessional. And if you're thinking that current definition that you have, then what does that mean about you, or what do you worry will happen? Likely, it's going to be a negative association. If you're thinking I'm confrontational when I'm direct, right? You're probably worried, oh, the client's going to be really upset, or the client's going to tell everyone about how mean I am, or it could be all sorts of things.
So we have to start to challenge these assumptions and associations. Just because your brain offers up being direct equals being rude or some variation of that, it doesn't necessarily mean that's true. And you can, of course, decide what your truth is. But I want you to consider, what if direct is clear and kind? What if the rude thing is to not be clear in your communication? What if stating the truth of the matter is actually a form of respect for you and the other person? There are always other perspectives to be explored. And typically, when we're in this internal conflict, the other perspectives are going to be more useful.
Once you have the greater awareness about what's really going on for you, what's below the surface bubbling, then we can begin to shift your mindset so that instead of shrinking away from what could be a difficult conversation, you can feel more confident and grounded in sharing your message or your request. And this awareness, do not skip this step, because this is the difference between mindset coaching, which is what I work on with my clients and teach you here on the podcast, and just plain old positive thinking.
Because you could say to yourself, “I'm going to say what's on my mind. I can do it.” But if you're having this internal conflict that's running in the background, it's going to be all willpower and force and you're probably going to end up really coming across in a way that you don't actually want to come across from that forcing energy versus understanding what's the underlying root issue going on for you, having compassion for that, understanding yourself, and then making the shift.
Now I want to share some ways that you can really build yourself up in terms of your internal resources and begin to empower yourself in these types of difficult conversations. The first one is fun. I love this one. It's to go to extremes with what you want to say or what you want to ask of the other person.
When I was coaching this designer that I was working with the pricing exercises, I said to her, “Just tell me, what would you say if you were the most direct you could absolutely be?” And she thought about it for a minute. She thought, “Well, I'd tell her, ‘too bad. You can't have that.’” Okay. So we could laugh about it. She would never say that. She'd never say it that way. And seeing that extreme helped her open up to some middle ground. It's a middle ground of communication style that she could be comfortable with.
So for you, there's probably that loud, disruptive, I picture a toddler stamping their feet on the ground, piece of you. So just let it out and then allow yourself to see the contrast of not saying anything at all or quietly hoping someone's going to pick up on what you want, and then go to the opposite end and be as rude as you could possibly think about, and then go, all right, so I'm probably not going to do either of these. Neither of these would be super helpful right now. What is the middle ground?
Another thing you can do in navigating these conversations is to lead with the belief that you and whoever you're communicating with are on the same side. This is a belief I suggest you adopt: that we are on the same team. That's the belief, and then bring that to the conversations that you have. And if you really believe that you are not on the same team with a client, a contractor, an employee, a vendor, whoever it is, you probably shouldn't be working with those people, and that's another conversation. With this approach, what you're doing is you're reminding yourself that saying what needs to be said isn't a way to win or lose. It's to help align the group or the individuals towards the best possible outcome, where everyone's desires matter.
And when we believe we're on the same team, we can just soften, and we don't have to get stuck believing that being direct is confrontational. Especially when you live in Minnesota, where passive-aggressive is rebranded as Minnesota Nice sometimes, right? I'm guessing there's others of you who live in areas where sometimes that's the case as well. But that's a side note. So what I like to do is I even picture myself and the other person sitting next to each other versus across from each other at the table, which feels much more like a duel versus a collaborative effort.
So, to carry on with this coaching example, the designer who had the client who was asking for a lot of different pricing, they both want the same thing, which is to have the client move into a beautiful home and to best utilize the resources available. This leads to another approach, and that is to clarify your intent behind the conversation or what you want to say. Know why you're saying what you want to say and understand the outcome you want to help create through that interaction. I know you're not mean, right? You likely have a good, clean reason why this conversation needs to happen. Maybe it's that you want to nip the issue in the bud so it doesn't get bigger. Maybe it's that you value the employee you're talking to and want to see them continue to succeed in the company. Or maybe it's that the project is going to get delayed, and you know the client wants to move in.
Going back to our example coaching, the designer was mistakenly believing that the intent behind her communication was something like shutting the client down and not letting her have what she wanted. And then when she reeled it back, she could look at the intent is actually one that I want to have. The intent is to have this client move forward and make decisions. She wanted to be supportive of the client. She wasn't trying to put her down.
And lastly, that brings me to use powerful questions to get your brain on board with why being direct is the best thing for everyone. If your mindset is such that it tends to default to this is me having a confrontation, it's somebody has to win or lose, right? This is a great thing to do. You can ask yourself, “How is me being direct or having this conversation going to be in service of the relationship and outcomes we are trying to create?” Often, when we express ourselves in a straightforward manner, stating what needs to happen for us, what we want to have happen, we can forget that it's usually not as inconvenient or detrimental to the other person as our brain likes to present.
With the designer I was coaching, the resetting of expectations about how the pricing would move forward was absolutely in service of everyone and everything. All of the, well, what about this? And what about that? What would that be? That was all causing major delays. It was costing not just the designer a lot of time, but it was costing the client a lot of time. It was delaying the client getting into the home. Not only was it costing the designer a lot of time, it was costing the client a lot of time, and it was causing confusion and overwhelm about all of these options.
What this client really wanted and needed was to prioritize the different elements of this build project and make decisions so that they could all move on and eventually get her in her home. And that's exactly what she hired the designer to do. So in this case, by being clear and direct, the designer gets what she wants, to move on, to get into the details, get to feel excited about the project again instead of drained. And then the client also gets what they want. They have clarity about the direction of their new build and also get back into the excitement phase around the vision and what they're going to be moving into once this home is built for them. It's absolutely the best thing here to say what needs to be said.
Now, with all of this, I think it's really important for me to remind you, it is not your job to manage other people's emotional states. It is your job to act in integrity with how you choose to run your firm and how you want to show up in relationships, according to your values and the direction that you want to take your business and the way that you want to serve clients. Even if you have really good intentions, even if you can see how what you're sharing is best for everyone, that doesn't mean that no one will ever be upset with you or dislike what you've said.
There will be times when you share something, and the other person is disappointed, mad, maybe they become defensive. Insert whatever you don't want to have happen. And of course, that is not what you want. And at the same time, when you accept that you can never really prevent this, you can release that internal tension and then ground yourself back in that pure intent and who you want to be in the relationship.
And as a side note about intent, when clarifying the intent, you might actually realize, oh, I don't like the energy behind this. That would be a sign to clear up your side of the street before bringing whatever you have to share to the other person. But if you feel good about what you're doing, why you're saying it, and how you're going to bring it to whoever's impacted, you always can come back to that, right? Because we can't control how others respond to us.
So then, when we are acting in alignment with our own values and who we want to be as people, it just becomes a lot easier to hold strong and steady when someone else is having an emotional response. It will still probably feel uncomfortable. No one wants to have negative feedback to them or have someone be upset. And we can't spend our entire lives trying to shrink and avoid because that causes a whole other set of issues.
If you want additional support with that topic, definitely check out episode 6. It's called Getting Comfortable with Discomfort.
As we wrap up, I just want to circle back to the other issue that I mentioned at the top of the episode. And that is you think you're communicating what you want in a really direct way, and you're definitely not. Maybe you've gotten feedback that you need to be more clear. Maybe you hear yourself thinking, oh, I just wish they would know what to do. Or you're having a lot of conversations, but then nothing ever really happens or changes. What you need to do is to first go back to awareness, understand what's happening, why it's happening, what's holding you back, and why there is that disconnect between you feeling like you're clearly communicating and also not having the results of clear communication on the other side. So understanding that is the first piece.
Then I suggest you practice communicating. You can sit at your desk and verbally practice with yourself. You could practice in your head, visualization is a really helpful tool. You could write down what you're going to say, or maybe review what you did say. So what I want you to do though, is to get the words out in some way. And then I want you to reflect on the words and ask yourself if I didn't have all of the context and all of the hopes and wishes in my head about how this would go, would I call this direct, clear, open, honest, authentic? Or does this feel like a side-stepping conversation to me?
And I want you to be really honest with yourself. How would you receive it? How would you understand the message that you're hoping to convey? If it's feeling fuzzy to you, then how could you just bump up that communication even just a little bit to be more clear? And of course, coaching is a really incredible, safe space to practice expressing yourself, saying what you want, what you need, and having someone who will hold space for you without judgment or fear of their response.
This is just one of the many things that I do with my clients in a private coaching partnership. If you're interested in working together one-on-one in the coming year, definitely go over to desicreswell.com/coaching, and you can check out what we do in Design to Thrive private coaching partnerships and add your name to the wait list. I know that when you're in the pattern of communicating in certain ways, it can be challenging, it can be uncomfortable to shift how you present yourself and how you have these conversations. And I also promise you that when you begin to play with these practices and stretch your comfort zone with direct communication, you will see a major shift in how you feel in these conversations and also in how effective you can be in leading your projects, managing employees, and all of the other relationships you engage in as an interior design business owner. And also, of course, you get the added bonus of this impacting every other relationship that you have in your personal life.
Hear me when I say this. Being direct is not confrontational. Being clear is not rude. You can be considerate, professional, and kind, and say what needs to be said. It really is better for everyone, and I hope that you trust in the process enough to see it work for you. I know we've covered a lot here. This is a good one to go back through and listen again. And also, if this topic resonated with you, episode 25 is labeled People Pleasing or Customer Service. I talk about what the difference is, would be another one to go back and listen to either for the first time or again.
I'd love to hear what you thought of this episode and how you're going to put these tips into practices. Feel free to send me a message or leave a rating and review. That is a double whammy because I get to hear what you thought of this episode, and you get to help support the podcast in its growth. I'll be back next Wednesday with a brand new episode on overfunctioning and burnout. Before you turn off this episode, make sure you hit the subscribe or follow button so that you don't miss that episode and all the future ones to come. And until we talk again next Wednesday, I wish you a beautiful week.
Thanks for joining me for this week's episode of The Interior Design Business CEO. If you want more tips, tools and strategies visit DesiCreswell.com, where you’ll get immediate access to a variety of free resources to help you take what you learn on the podcast and put it into action. And if you love what you’re hearing, be sure to rate, review, and follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts to ensure you never miss an episode. I’ll talk to you next week.
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134. Burnout Prevention: How to Stop Overfunctioning
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